An ode to my ex-“flings”

B-Town Buzz | Kaitlyn Beck | December 2, 2015

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We’ve all heard them, we’ve all seen them: the painfully unemotional “I’m not looking for a relationship” guy. Yes, he probably convinced you that putting titles on your relationship was “stressful” and you probably started preaching to your friends that labels are all of a sudden not what you find yourself looking for. Maybe you even started to believe that this talking phase is close enough to a relationship.

I speak bravely and graciously for all the twenty-something college girls when I say, “literally, bye.”

This is an open letter to the cowardly douchbags who are scared of commitment and feelings. Before you begin to wonder, “Is this passive aggressive?” Let me clarify: this is 100% passive aggressive.

“If you don’t want me to write bad songs about you, then don’t do bad things,” – Taylor Swift

It’s sad that so many girls are being labeled as “psycho” or “crazy” just for expressing their feelings. The real secret to romance and life-long commitment is following the old expression: “whoever cares less wins,” right? The truth is, I don’t want to pretend to care less. I don’t want to play games. I don’t want to mask my honesty. If this scares you, you’re probably a guy–quite possibly a guy I’ve dated in college. Ahem, “talked to,” not dated. My bad.

Let me keep this Drake-level blunt when I say, “this is not to be confused…this ones for you.”

Dear assclown,

I’m sorry for the anxiety you’re enduring while reading this. Actually, that’s a lie. I wanted to take the opportunity to emphasize the fact that you’re a douche. However, I truly admire your ability to magically hide your tool-ish tendencies until I’m emotionally comfortable and invested. But don’t read that and get too flattered. No, I didn’t only open up to you–I could tell my life story to a hobo. I could share my darkest secret to anyone wiling to listen. I could do something as bold as publicly proclaim my 4 a.m. thoughts.

Oh wait…Point taken?

Regardless of our tragic ending, you’re a little shit. Oh, you decided you’ve caught too many feelings? Yes, I completely understand your choice in leaving before “things get coupley.” Damn, you decided you weren’t ready for a relationship? I totally understand that there are so many girls on campus, so why should you settle for only one? Of course I don’t blame you for taking WEEKS or MONTHS to figure that out–no biggie!!

I totally agree that we should split up because “I’m too nice.” I typically prefer dating someone who bullies me, so that’s completely relatable.

Dude. Grow up.

I’m NICE because I was raised to treat people I care about accordingly. Things are getting COUPLEY *cringe* because we’ve been seeing each other for months. And you’re catching feelings because THAT’S WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

So I apologize. I’m sorry for being outwardly vocal about my feelings. Typically, I’m honest because I don’t want to beat around the bush or waste my time. If knowing what I want makes me psycho, I’m a freaking maniac. I guess I went Drake in all the wrong places–I should have been much more Tyga or more Kanye. Is it too late now to say sorry?

The time we spent together sounds more like a Fall Out Boy song than a reality. THANKS for the memories even though they WEREN’T so GREAT. Although this letter is extremely passive aggressive, it is not sad. Why? Because I’m not sad. I don’t have tears to waste on guys who are stupid. I promise I’m not pining over you, so please don’t mistake my motives. This is simply a PSA and reminder that you didn’t walk away clean.

And please take note that I’d be a lot less PG friendly if I didn’t have an innocent, perfect grandmother who reads all my articles.