Being alive is so expensive (especially in college)

Sorry, mom and dad.

Guilty Pleasures | Alex Belden | November 30, 2015

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If anyone knows anything about spending too much money, it’s me. Ask my parents about my bank statement. It’s not my fault, though–being alive is freaking expensive. The following are common instances where irresponsible adventurous college students may spend too much money:


Grocery Shopping

As you walk into Krogucci, you are confident that you will only purchase strawberries, cereal and milk. Right next to the fruit, though, is the freshly made sushi and you’ll probably want that blazing California roll for dinner later. You drag yourself to the cereal aisle only to pick up a box of Krave, Lucky Charms, Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Special K (to convince yourself that you’re healthy). After you grab enough milk to satisfy your cereal obsession, you decide you need to surprise your roommates with an entire ice cream cake and a handle of Svedka to make up for your drunken antics the night before. You finish up your trip by picking up $18 worth of Chapstick and lotion that you DEFINITELY need. While checking out, though, you should get $20 cash back because tomorrow is Tuesday. (Thanks Kroger!)


$2 Tuesday

While you’re doing your best rendition of a downward dog in your afternoon yoga class, your phone is blowing up with plans for the evening. It’s Tuesday, so everyone is ready to get wasted. Since you spent your monthly allowance at a grocery store yesterday, you decide that you’ll pregame super hard with your Svedka and will only have to pay cover tonight. Before you go out, though, you realize you need a new outfit to wear. You run to Charlotte Russe and buy the skimpiest cheapest thing you can find. Once you look good and are hammered, it’s time to head to the bars, where you inevitably buy shots for all of your friends. You made the mistake of going to the hot bartender, too, so you have to leave a hefty tip. The night goes on and the next morning you wake up without any money or dignity left.


Target Run

You (reluctantly) limit your trips to Target because you know how detrimental it can be to your bank account. Notice, too, that a Target Run is NOT the same thing as grocery shopping, and for good reason. Sometimes, you just need a trip to the Mecca of shit you don’t need. There’s no saying what you buy in here, regardless of what you went there for in the first place. From $15 candles to five tubes of mascara, you parade through the aisles like it’s your job. Frolicking through the wine aisle, you contemplate whether or not you should ditch your cart and run to your car as fast as possible. But, you still haven’t bought your Pillsbury Christmas tree sugar cookies yet, so you can’t leave. You might tear up when you see the total at the cash register, but when you’re eating the cookies and drunk off of the wine, you won’t care about how poor you are anymore.

These are just a few of life’s happy moments that money can buy. Do any of these sound familiar?