Flying is always hectic. Whether you arrive two hours early or barely make it through security on time, it’s stressful. In my experience, there’s a rule of thumb for airports: every hour you’re early is an hour you’ll be inconvenienced.
Dad, I promise it’s not necessary to arrive at the gate 3 hours early. But I’m super glad we did because now the flight is delayed 2 hours.
I’ll arrive 30 minutes before departure in order to avoid waiting around. Oh, of course security has one lane open and I’m wearing laced up boots.
No matter your strategy for preparation – you’re bound to run into crisis.
Once on the plane, all is good. You can finally enjoy some technology-free time, completely off the grid. The perfect chance to read or take a well-deserved nap.
Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Your nightmare has just begun.
Did you happen to sit next to the woman with a “lap child?” And did she happen to breastfeed and set-up a portable training potty? If you’re one of the unfortunate coach passengers trapped in a horrific seat, I hope you don’t have my luck. I’ve been elbow to elbow with the farter, the breastfeeding mom, the paranoid elderly woman, and the antsy pants.
I mean who allows a portable training potty on a flight? Sure, my 12 oz bottle of conditioner is prohibited but thank God training toilets are good to go.
Below are some of the most dreaded seat mates. If you can’t relate – ask yourself…is this me?
- The baby. To all the moms out there, y’all are superheroes. However, your kid is ruining my life. Please stop kicking my seat, screaming in my ear, smelling up coach and spilling in my lap. As much as I love kids, it’s hard not to get annoyed. If you ask me, teen pregnancy would substantially decrease if young couples were paired next to a child on a flight.
- The farter. Why are restaurants that encourage passengers to indulge in a spicy bean burrito bowl even allowed??? I grew up with a brother who punished me by farting on me; this gassy stranger is inflicting PTSD.
- The antsy pants. This is the person who constantly has to crawl over you to roam around. What’s up with that? Where could you possibly be going? I get long-term sitting discomfort, but I promise you won’t develop blood clots from a 2 hour flight. Sit the hell down.
- The rookie. While there’s nothing wrong with inexperienced fliers, there is a problem with your paranoia and chaotic behavior. Please don’t explain your irrational fears of flying or your dreams of crashing. I’m not your therapist and you’re freaking me out.
- The rambler. While I’m all for small talk, I do not want to conversate the entire flight. Unless you’re Ryan Gosling, shut your pie hole. I’m email-free and off the grid; please respect my leisure.
- The arm rest burglar. The arm rest is large enough to support two elbows. You do not need to nonchalantly wedge my arm off the rest. If I don’t want to conversate with you, I certainly don’t want to arm wrestle you.
While these people are the worst, I can’t say I haven’t been there myself. I’m sure I’ve inflicted my own annoying behavior to my seat companions. In fact, I grimace at the memory of my first flight. I was photographing every minute and acting like I was on a roller-coaster. If you were on my first flight, I apologize. However, I can assure you I have received my karma.